‘The Shapeshifter’ – Original Acrylic on Recycled Pizza Box, gifted to my Aunt. 11% of profits go to nonprofits helping conserve the national world. To see which one I have chosen this year, follow the link to WHO IS SUNDANCE?
The Native American traditions see the raven as a shapeshifter, being able to transition from birds, to humans, and back to birds.
I too have had a pattern of shapeshifting or changing myself to best fit whatever or whoever I’m around.
I am not proud of this trait in myself, as I declare it on Day 4 of my 21 challenge of sharing my ‘impurities’ or imperfections.
This could help you become a great actress, yet it is a detriment when developing a healthy sense of self. Because you really don’t know who the true YOU is, if you are constantly changing and morphing due to your environment.
It is an obvious defense mechanism I developed in early childhood to feel safe, avoid pain, and receive reward or pleasure. It came from desiring to make people happy and keep the peace. Maybe it also felt like it was the ‘right’, ‘unselfish’, or ‘altruistic’ thing to do – to not have needs and always put others before myself.
Or maybe it started from being ingrained from birth with the Catholic program of ‘you are born a sinner.’ As they basically told you that you are inherently bad, but we can show you how to change to ‘be good’ – just as long as you follow all these rules and also give us money. Oh, and also don’t try connecting with God on your own, because you can only do that through a priest. Okay, I’ll try not to get on a side tangent here…
Having this shapeshifter nature has had its benefits, as all inherent patterns or habits we have do in some way otherwise we wouldn’t perpetuate them for so long.
This nature makes us become highly adaptable and quick learners. It also may help us discover different likes and preferences we didn’t know about from trying so many new things (as I have experienced).
However, it causes A LOT of self-abandonment and major issues in relationships. A wise friend of mine, who knows me very well, calls it my ‘Ven Diagram issue’ in relationships. It has gone something like this..
I get close to someone and then I start unconsciously morphing into them to please them, seek pleasure, and avoid pain. Mostly the pain of losing them or rejection if they see the real me and don’t like it.
At a certain point, I realize I feel disconnected from myself or am abandoning my own true desires or nature. Then, to make up for this or gain my sense of self back – I push the other person away and create distance. This can then confuse or hurt the other person, depending on the extremism I feel I must go to.
I highly dislike this about myself. But, it’s okay – awareness of the problem is the first step to healing. Next is noticing what triggers the shape-shifting pattern or when it is happening and then choosing something new.
One thing that helped me in the past break free of this was traveling – breaking myself free of all the people, places, situations, and conditions that seemed to trigger me to shape-shift. I had started finding myself and being myself. Yet, I don’t want to have to constantly be in motion or traveling to be myself.
And although I still want to travel, I don’t want to do it alone or run away from people I love when the feeling of losing myself arises. The antidote now is to speak about my feelings and my full truth in each moment. Instead of hiding, suppressing, or trying to change it to keep the peace or fit the needs of others.
One thing that has helped the last year and a half has been no relationship and more solitude – allowing myself to get more rooted into what Sundance likes, dislikes, prefers, enjoys, and naturally gravitates towards. I hope everyone is able to have that space from time to time to explore themselves in this way.
Yet, you can then start getting too comfortable with finding safety simply from being alone – which is not the path to expansion.
I know partnership is where true transformation and expansion arise. So I shine a light on my shape=shifting past, in order to change my future and not repeat past mistakes and patterns.
It starts with being radically authentic and honest with yourself and all people in your life. At least that’s what I am now practicing.
Granted, our ‘shadow’ or unconscious habits are sneaky… I’m sure we will be tested. Even last night, I had a dream where I was talking to a friend and he said, ‘What is your idea of the perfect night?’ What does it involve?’
In the dream, I said, ‘I don’t know… What about you? What is yours?’
As the famous Britney Spears says, ‘Oops… I did it again.’ Wrong answer.
Just like when forming any new habits, there may be moments of backsliding as we carve the new path.
Yet, the more aware we are of our unconscious patterns and habits, the easier it is course correct in the moment and say – ‘Hey, there’s that shape-shifter again. She’s not welcome here anymore.’
So on my run this morning, I thought, what is my perfect night?
It is filled with music – singing, dancing, maybe even a drum circle. Maybe even some painting mixed in.
It is filled with the elements – being outdoors, preferably by water, yet not required.
It is filled with laughter and yummy food.
Oooo and kombucha or warm bevies! Oooo and then maybe some ice cream!
But mostly, it’s filled with feelings of presence, peace, joy, & love.
I hope this helps you if you find yourself to be a shape-shifter at times.
We’re all in this together. 🙏🏼♥️
